Every word I write is love, knowledge of my soul's mind expressing truth.- Me

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

All She Ever Wanted

Shivering, she closes her eyes and pulls the blanket tighter around her shoulders.

It does nothing to warm the coldness inside her heart.

A burst of wind sends the last of the fall leaves floating to the ground.

Even the trees are barren, she thinks sadly.

Eyes red and swollen, are the only signs of her unhappiness.

She'd become an expert at hiding her sadness.

The world saw a smiling, happy girl- not the desperately empty person she really was inside.

Glaring at the first visible stars through the dark gray clouds- she put some of the blame on them.

Her wishes had never come true.

No happily ever after.

No fairy god mother to turn her into a beauty.

No prince charming to capture her love.

The stars had remained balls of burning gases that let her down.

Her dreams and excitement for life had been cut short by the reality of doing what she had to do instead of what she would have done to be happy.

The lies he'd told had led her to trust no one.

His unfaithfulness caused her to not believe in love.

She made it through each day with an ebbing numbness inside.

Like she was just sleep-walking through this life.

All she ever wanted was a good man.

A man to be faithful and honest.

His heart would rise and set to her each day.

His kisses would always be filled with passion.

He would love her despite all her flaws.

Racking her brain, she tried to remember the last time she'd felt like a woman and not an object.

She couldn't.

This love had meant giving up all that she was and would ever be- to just skin and bones existing.

Pieces of herself had fallen away, leaving nothing but an empty shell of a hardened heart.

With a strange calm, she somehow knew that this was just a long goodbye.

A whisper of wind blew a tiny speck of moisture at her.

Wonder filled her as she noticed it had started to snow.

The dark clouds above had opened up.

Fat snowflakes floated down gently, landing on her body as if they were miniature kisses from God.

The hurt and loneliness that had been her constant companion melted with the snowflakes against the heat of her skin.

In the quiet darkness she swore she heard the sound of wings.

Holding her arms out she twirled, praying on every snowflake-

Knowing that no two were alike.

Maybe where the stars had failed, the snow would succeed.

It had a magic all its own.

As they melted, they became a part of her.

All I ever wanted, she thought, was to be free to find the love I deserve.

Snowflakes falling softly, the promise of something better makes her smile, and a small piece of her soul comes back to her as the wind quietly whispers miracles in her ears.

Too Late

The scent of roses hang heavily in the air.

A sense of joyful anticipation goes through the crowd.

Everyone is waiting.

From the very last pew in the farthest corner I sit, my stomach in knots.

The coldness from the hard wood seeps into the rest of my body.

My hands are clammy, twisting the strap of my purse as I sit there.

Every seat is filled with strangers- people I could have known.

The music starts and everyone rises- smiles on their faces.

Usually when the music starts you're supposed to look at the bride.

Not me.

My eyes are focused on the groom.

My breath catches and my heart shatters into a million pieces as I look at him.

The golds and blues from the stained glass windows behind him sets his happy aura afire.

I cover my mouth with a Kleenex to mute the sound of agony escaping my lips.

But the music is so loud no one would have heard anyways.

The love and glistening of happy tears sparkles in his eyes as he watches his love float towards him- a vision in white.

He doesn't know I exist.

It wasn't easy keeping my love a secret from him.

I knew he was my soul-mate the moment we met on the playground at age five.

Through the years I waited, knowing that someday we'd be together forever.

But the words "I love you," came way too late.

Tears stream down my face as the lovers join hands and their vows are spoken.

I feel lower than low, my heart raw from the pain.

A chorus of applause goes up as the couple faces the congregation.

My dreams evaporate- disappearing like the smoke from the unity candle.

I was too late now-

No way to redeem myself.

My vision blurs as he walks past.

A slight flicker of his eyes in my direction and I knew he'd seen me.

And just like that, like the sun shining in through the windows-

He was gone.

Leaving darkness and heartache in his wake.